"Lord, You Know I Can't"

by Kay Heitsch 

"Hi Kay, this is Dee. You know why I'm calling and what I'm going to ask you again." I sighed. "Dee, you understand very well I can't come over and talk at your church." I did write the letter, "In Loving Memory of Todd," but quite frankly, the Lord helped me write it. I can't come out and talk about Todd's death in public." There was a short pause. "Kay, our minister, and several people have read the story, and we believe the Lord wants you to share your testimony. I'm going to keep calling until you agree to come. I'll talk to you soon. Goodbye." I hung up the phone. 

"You must be kidding; I can't believe Dee will not accept "No" for an answer," I mumbled to myself. I'd known Dee for years. In fact, Dee had given me the baby shower for Todd. Back in those days, neither Dee nor I were Christians. In fact, we'd spent a few nights in bars together. We hadn't seen each other in years, though. Bill had been her boss when we lived in Norton, Ohio. We had moved several times, even out of the state, and now here we were back in Ohio. Dee was working for Bill again, sixteen years later. 

I hadn't been a Christian very long. In fact, I wasn't a member of any church when Dee kept calling. I'd heard about her church from other people, though. They were this "Spirit-filled" bunch. I wasn't sure what that all meant, so I didn't even know what to expect if I ever did go. 

I started to talk to the Lord about Dee's constant calling and insistence on me coming to share my testimony. "Now listen, Lord, You know very well I can't go over to Dee's church and talk. I don't want to cry in public, for one thing. I don't even know what I would say. You know better than anyone; I haven't even been going to church. I can't do this, and You know it." From deep within me, I heard a still small voice, "I know you can't, Kay. You couldn't write either, remember? If I helped you write, I'd help you talk."

 I have no idea where they came from or who sent them, but I began receiving Christian magazines in the mail. One magazine arrived shortly after my last conversation with Dee and the Lord. On the front cover was a cartoon of Moses. Inside of the magazine was an article about the different excuses Moses gave the Lord for why he could not do what the Lord wanted him to do. I started to see that I was doing the same thing Moses did. I was even coming up with some of the same excuses. 

The phone rang again. "Hi Kay, this is Dee. I'm not calling to ask you if you'll come and talk this time." Oh good, I'm off the hook!" I felt relieved. "No, I'm calling giving you a date and time when we will be expecting you to come over to our church and share your testimony. We'll be seeing you on Super Bowl Sunday night." 

Well, after the magazine article I'd read and the Lord's message to me, I thought I'd better go. After all, I figured no one would be there anyway because it was on Super Bowl Sunday night. Boy, was I wrong? There were lots of cars in the parking lot when I arrived. To be honest, I really don't know what I said that night. All I remember is that after I talked, people came forward giving me lots of hugs, which I needed. This "Spirit-filled" group was exactly the group I needed to begin sharing my testimony with. They were loving and kind and not afraid to show their feelings; I felt blessed by the experience. 

"Hi Dee, this is Kay. Thank you for allowing me to come and share my testimony." There was a pause. "Kay, the Lord and I both knew that He would give you the strength you needed to do it."