97 ~ Faith Crisis

 By Kay Heitsch

This post may not be for everyone to read. It's going to be raw, and you may not understand, but I need to write this out. It could help someone other than me.

My Faith Crisis

I don't know precisely what triggered the day I had my faith crisis, but I believe many things led up to it.

First of all, I was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted after dealing with the trial.

Because of my carpal tunnel, which I was still dealing with, I could not hold a book and read. Turning pages made my fingers burn. So, I didn't read my Bible or any uplifting books.

I attend church and Sunday School. However, I told the minister I was "starving" there. In SS class, our time was spent talking about what snack to bring and who would bring it most of the time. I needed a lot more, since I could not feed myself spiritually.

Plus, working 10 -12 hours daily, 7 days a week, in a memory care center is hard mentally and emotionally.

I was also going through menopause.

Bill had changed jobs a few times, and this is stressful, too.

I truly believed that God had a plan for my life. I felt that when I prayed, He had directed me to where I should go.

Okay, since this was God's big plan, why was I put in these positions, way out of my comfort zone? Even with the last two foster kids. Wow, what a trip they were! I started to think back. I did a better job choosing my own jobs.

Thoughts came flooding in. I had held several jobs before embarking on this challenging journey with God, which I had managed independently.

I remembered the jobs I had worked at. I was a chairside assistant to an orthodontist, a Sterilization Processing Technician in a hospital, and a Data Processing Operator. I work in a Boutique and was in charge of putting together cute clothes, etc. I also volunteered at the kids' schools.

These jobs were nothing like anything I was doing when it was "God's Plan." Now, going through this trial and everything else that was going on,

I flipped out and had a meltdown. I was angry and crying and said, "I'm done! I'll be handling life on my own! Get out! I don't need all this."

Almost immediately, a box was delivered that I did not order. I said, "What the hell is this? I didn't order anything!" I looked, and it was from the Peale Center. I kicked the box and almost broke my toe. I said, "Get this damn box out of my sight!"

Well, I was back to my OLD self! I was cursing like a sailor and irritated at the world. Yeah, I was handling life on my own! Wasn't this fun?

I immediately stopped going to church! I had enjoyed listening to K-Love on the radio. Now I had no interest in that either. I used to enjoy watching "Enjoying Everyday Life" with Joyce Meyer, but I hadn't watched it in a long time because I didn't have the time, and now I couldn't care less.

I had absolutely no interest in anything spiritual. Just like before, I was back to my OLD self. God had stepped back, and He was letting me do life my way.

After the trial, I shared my anger with a few friends. They tried to encourage me, but at first, I wasn't having it.

I don't know how long living life my way lasted. It seemed like a long time. However, I started to miss talking to God and doing life His way.

One Sunday, I decided to go to church. Before, I liked to sit towards the front, so I went to my usual spot. I sat there for a brief period and abruptly got up and left. The service was ongoing, but I wanted to get out of there.

I turned on K-Love as I drove the short distance to work. I started taking small steps in the right direction.

Then, my friends told me Joyce was coming to the Palace. They wanted me to go along with them. I felt, what the heck, I'll go. It was okay. At least I didn't get up and leave.

I know it was these few friends who prayed and encouraged me that I didn't give up and kept pressing through. Twenty years later, these are still my close friends.

Eventually, I got on Facebook. I have always loved quotes. I'd find a quote online and pair it with a relevant Bible verse. I'd see things that were helping me. I started posting them, hoping and praying that others could also relate to them and be encouraged.

Going through this faith crisis, I found it essential to be mindful of what I allow into my mind. I have learned a great deal regarding my thoughts and spiritual nourishment.

It was a long journey back. I didn't know if I would ever live long enough to tell this tragedy-to-triumph story, but I'm thankful I didn't give up.

Remember how I led you on this long journey. Deuteronomy 8:2