Not The Answer I Expected

by Kay Heitsch

People have different ways of dealing with the death of a child. We don't all grieve or handle the pain the same. That was certainly the case when our son Todd died instantly in a car accident. The hurt and pain of this horrific experience in life were overwhelming.

Years before Todd's death, I had a problem with alcohol. I found myself drinking earlier and earlier in the day. My dad had a drinking problem, so you'd think I would have learned from his experience. In a sense, I did. As I saw that the alcohol was starting to control me, I made a conscious decision to stop it. I stopped drinking altogether! So when Todd died on that sad day in February, I will admit I did think of drinking to help with the pain, but I knew it wouldn't bring Todd back. Good-hearted people suggested RX drugs to help, but I had experience with drugs in my past, so I declined. In all reality, I was numb enough.

At first, I tried to deal with Todd's death on my own. After all, I had stopped drinking and quit smoking on my own, hadn't I? I felt I had enough "willpower" to handle just about anything. But I found I had come on a situation in life that was more than I could deal with. I'd been reading books by Dr. Norman V Peale. Dr. Peale told stories about people who seemed to be able to "rise above it" and live a positive life no matter what life brought. I wanted and needed that "rise above it" power now.

The day I received this "rise above it" power was an ordinary day. I needed to go to the grocery store, but the fear and anxiety of going out in public and possibly crying froze me in my tracks. I'd experience a situation when I was out where I felt 'out of control,' and I didn't like that feeling. I was a "control" person. I'd read in these Dr. Peale books, I'd read that what these "rise above it" people had that I didn't was a personal relationship with the Lord. They seemed to rely on His power and not their own. I decided that this was what I needed now. I had tried on my own, and it worked in several situations, but now I had come to the end of myself.

I knelt down by the love seat in our home and asked the Lord to help me. I told him I was giving myself and Todd to Him. I asked Him to please bring something positive out of Todd's death and to use me. In an instant, I felt this overwhelming feeling of liquid love pour through my entire body. I stood up and somehow knew God was going to start bringing positive things out of Todd's death.

That night when my husband Bill came home with a 12 pack of beer, I tried to tell him what had happened. I said I couldn't really explain it all, but I had given myself and Todd to the Lord. I remember saying something like, "I don't know where I'm going or what I'm going to do, but I know God is going to bring something positive out of Todd's death." Bill didn't say anything that I remember but changed his clothes and sat down in his recliner to drink his beer.

Coming home, drinking beer while sitting in his recliner started to be a nightly scenario. Bill was dealing with Todd's death in a way I believe many people do. Alcohol temporarily will numb the pain, but when you sober up, the pain is back, along with a headache, etc.

One day I had an unusual thought. I said to a friend, "I'm going to start using heavy artillery on this drinking issue." Where I got the idea of "heavy artillery" with prayer is anyone guesses. Every day when Bill was about to come home, I'd go in the bedroom and pray. I'd ask the Lord to please replace Bill's drinking with something else. I was a new Christian, so I didn't suggest what the Lord could use to replace the drinking. I left it in His hands.

I'd started to attend a church with the kids. I'd invited Bill to come over, but he'd usually respond, "Someone has to work for a living." One day he did decide to stop in on his lunch hour when the church had a potluck. A few of the people in the church were preparing for an Easter service. They were using performance tapes and were practicing after the potluck. Joe, one of the guys, asked Bill if he could sing. Bill admitted that he had sung years before. The group invited Bill to join them. Much to everyone's surprise, Bill really could sing. In fact, he had a great voice and could sing harmony too.

As strange as it seems, someone in the group gave Bill a key to the church. They also gave him a few performance tapes and showed him how to use the system. Instead of stopping for a beer on the way home, Bill was going over to this church and singing by himself.

Several weeks later, Bill was asked to sing a solo. Bill had a stool brought to the front of the church that he sat on. I remember Bill saying he was going to be like Perry Como because his knees were shaking. Before he sang, he said something to the effect of not understanding what I meant when I said I had given myself to the Lord, but he did now.

I am still amazed to see how the Lord answered my prayer to replace drinking with something else. I would have never in a thousand years thought of singing, but God knew what would help heal the pain in Bill's heart. Singing was not the answer I had expected, but it was the correct answer using a heavy artillery prayer.