Dealing With Death

By Kay Heitsch

First, I want to say I am not a counselor or an expert in any way. I will only share things that helped me when our 16-year-old son, Todd, died suddenly in a car accident.

When a loved one dies, I have learned we react to each death differently. What seems evident to me is that our reaction may depend on our personal relationship with the person.

I was 21 when my mom died. She had gone to the hospital for a simple surgery. But, unfortunately, she was put too far under and never came to. Mom's death was a shock! I immediately screamed and felt angry.

On the other hand, my dad had been suffering for 5 years before he passed. So his passing was a relief in a way. Both were sad, but I reacted differently to each.

But now for Todd! I'll try to explain, but it will be hard to describe this reaction. Todd's death was nothing like the pain I felt with any other death. I didn't scream or faint. Nor did I react how I thought I would if I ever heard my child had just died. I felt numb! I was in a haze. Everything was blurry. I could see people, but nothing seemed natural.

I had a war going on in my mind. One side was screaming, "This can't be true! I will not accept it!" But on the other side, I seemed to hear, "This is true; you must accept it and move forward."

Having to pick out Todd's clothes to take to the funeral home seemed to help me deal with the "fact" that Todd was dead. I remember thinking, "If this is not real, why are you picking out these clothes?"

Going to the funeral home and seeing Todd in the casket was an experience I will never forget. I touched his hand, and it was ice cold. I looked closely at him and said, "Where is Todd? He is not here!" I had never had that experience with any other death.

The first calling hours in Dover were a comfort. I could see how many people loved Todd. His classmates were so kind and loving.

Having to go through each experience helped me accept that Todd was dead and would not be walking through the door he went out of.

It was rough in the days that followed. Finally, the numbness was wearing off, and reality was setting in. I could see I wasn't going to be able to handle Todd's death. I felt overwhelmed! I didn't want to leave the house for fear of breaking down in public. I needed help!

For some reason, I knew God was the only one who could help me. I wanted something positive to come out of this tragedy! But I knew I was not in any condition to bring that about. So I prayed!

I had not prayed in many years. I didn't think or feel I needed God in my life. But now, I had come up with something I could not handle.

God met me where I was. It was funny because I remember thinking, "God, You know what You're getting when You get me! Have at it! Please bring something positive out of Todd's death. If you can use me, I'm available." Then, suddenly, I felt liquid love flowing all over me. It was an incredible experience!

God has brought many great things out of Todd's death. What's interesting are the things that happened. I've done nothing I would have ever thought I would do. I've learned that if something is God's plan for my life, it will undoubtedly be something I can not do alone. I will need God to be in complete control.

The things I have done have had many people scratching their heads. So many things are something only some people would want to do. But that's okay; God's plan for my life is different from that He has for you! We are all unique, and God has a plan for us.

Dealing with death is different for all of us. However, God's plans bring good out of all the tragedies in our lives when we turn them over to Him.