Todd's Not Here

by Kay Heitsch

When I looked into the casket of my 16-year-old son's body, I had an eye-opening experience. I've been to many calling hours and funerals in my life, but I had never had an experience like this. It was obvious to me that my son, Todd, was not here. Yes, his body was in the casket, but Todd was gone.

My Aunt was standing next to me. I looked at her and said, "Todd's not here." Because of her religious beliefs, she put her arm around me and tried to tell me that he was. I knew that this child I had carried in my body for 9 months was not in this body lying in this casket any more. Yes, his body was here, but Todd was not!

I wasn't a religious person. My mother was part of a religious group that had their set of beliefs. I went to church with her as a child, but I'll be honest, I didn't exactly know what I believed.

As the days went on after Todd's death, I found myself going out to the location where the accident happened. I never told anyone. I'd sit in the van and would look up into the sky, thinking, "This is where Todd left his body." This may not be an odd thought to many reading this, but it was to me. This thinking was not something I had been taught. Many years later, I told my husband how I had gone out to the accident site. Bill said he had also gone out there, thinking this same thing. However, he never said anything to me at the time.

I needed to find out what I believed regarding the Bible. Since I wasn't accustomed to reading the Bible independently, I wasn't sure where to start. First, I had to buy a Bible. I purchased one of the versions that were easy to read. I made sure it was a paperback type. I didn't want to waste the money on something I didn't know I would use for long. I'd begin each study session with a prayer asking the Holy Spirit to teach me what I needed to understand. I felt very strongly that the Lord knew me better than I knew myself. He knew what I had been taught. I truly believed that since He did, He would guide me along the way. I opened the Bible.

Every time I'd opened the Bible, I would open it to the verse, "What is truth?" John 18:36. I'd think, "That's what I'm looking for!"

I thought it was fascinating to see that the Lord didn't show me any texts, at first, to my most pressing question. "Where's Todd?" He started me out in the book of Romans. It was an eye-opening experience to study this book. I'd highlight verse after verse and go over them many times.

The book of Romans talked about a "free gift." I read the words, but it wasn't until I started to read in Ephesians that this "free gift" really stood out to me. "For by grace, you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast." Ephesians 2:8. I jumped out of bed and ran into the living room where Bill was sitting in his recliner. I was so excited when I told him what I had found in the Bible. Eternal life is a "free gift" It has nothing to do with works.

I started to find myself spending hours, and I mean hours studying the Bible. I never cared about reading, but now I found myself sitting for 4 or 5 hours digging into the Bible. This was so odd to me that I knew this had to be the Lord. When we had foster children living with us, I'd get up at 4:00 am to have quiet time to study before everyone started to get up. Every day was an eye-opening experience into the freedom I had never known. The verse, "You will know the Truth and the Truth will set you free." John 8:32 now had a deep personal meaning to me.

I didn't use any Bible study guides. I only used the Bible and colored pencils and markers to highlight verses that stood out to me. I thought it was pretty interesting to see all the verses I would highlight about "Do not worry." or "Be anxious for nothing." The Lord knew I had an issue with worry and being anxious. Later I read somewhere that there are 365 verses on "Do not worry." in the Bible. I may have them all highlighted. :-) I started to highlight "Trust the Lord" over and over. My thought life was changing for the better; that was a fact. I began to relax and trust the Lord a little more every time I'd study the Bible.

The book of Psalms became a book I studied. I typed the words, "This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24 I typed, I CHOOSE to be happy! Next to the Psalm and put it on the refrigerator where I could read it every day.

Well-meaning people would ask me questions like, "Was Todd saved?" etc., etc. I was so thankful that I had been studying the Bible because the words "Do not worry." and "Trust the Lord." would come flooding into my mind when they would ask. Because, how would I know where someone is in their spiritual life? How does anyone know? You may sit next to someone in a pew week after week and not have a clue if they even believe at all. You may think they do because they sit in a pew, but you don't know; only God knows a person's heart.

Slowly I started to see verses in the Bible that answered my question, "Where is Todd?" However, it wasn't until I put Todd in the Lord's hands and trusted Him with Todd that I found these verses. I also had to give up my worry and anxiety over this issue. I'll be honest, I was so into studying the Bible and learning on my own that when I started to see and understand where Todd was, I'd almost forgotten this was the main reason I bought this Bible in the first place.

There are many texts in the Bible about life after death. Most Christians know these, but I didn't, so it was an eye-opening experience to find these in the Bible.

Yes, as most do, I knew that when a person dies, their body goes back to dust. Ecclesiastic 12:7 tells us that. That's a fact. I could go and have Todd's body brought about up, and his body may still be somewhat intact. I believe his favorite stuffed animal I put in the casket, along with some cross country medals, is still there too. His body would be starting to go back to dust. The Bible also says, "The dead know nothing." Ecclesiastic 9:5. So right, if I asked Todd's body anything, he would not answer. Why? Because Todd's not there! We are more than a body. The Bible says, "The spirit returns to God who gave it." Ecclesiastic 12:7 after the body dies.

I started to read in 2 Corinthians 5:8 "Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord." Philippians 1:22 & 23 reads, "But if I live, I can do more fruitful work for Christ. So I really don't know which is better. I'm torn between two desires: I long to go and be with Christ, which would be far better for me." In 2 Corinthians 5:1, "For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands."

But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep. 1 Thessalonians 4:14. I love this, "God will bring with Him."

The body is asleep in the grave, but Todd and all of us, are more than a body. Todd's real self is with the Lord, and when Jesus returns, He'll bring Todd with Him. "And so we will be with the Lord forever." 1 Thessalonians 4:17.

"Todd's not here," but I know where he is. Yes, his earthly body is in Mt Hope Cemetery, but Todd's not there.