I Give Up!

by Kay Heitsch

I had always been a strong-willed person. I didn't feel I needed God in my life. No matter what I had been through in the past, I was somehow able to deal with it. Then Todd died!

You don't know how you will react when you hear your child has died. I would have thought I would have fainted, screamed, or at least cried. I did none of these things.

Immediately, when I heard the tragic news that Todd had died in a car accident, I went into shock! Everything was hazy. I could see things going on, but I didn't feel like I was a part of it. I was so numb for a while I merely went through the motions of daily living.

Slowly, the numbness started to wear off. As the numbness wore off, I began to sink into depression. I was familiar with depression. I had several relatives who struggled with it. I did not want to live my life like this! I even had a few relatives who ended their own lives. This thought crossed my mind too.

One day this all changed. I had gotten Brandon, who was around 2 years old, and myself dressed. Once again, I was going to try to go to the grocery store. I had forced myself to get some groceries the week before. However, I never brought any home. While in the store, I reached for something Todd liked. When I realized I didn't need that anymore, I started to cry. I immediately grabbed Brandon out of the cart, left the cart in the aisle, and drove home.

I started to feel shaky as I thought about attempting to go to the grocery store again. Where was my own strong will I had always relied on? I was trying, but my own efforts were not working anymore!

I finally realized I needed God's strength to go on. I knelt down and admitted I needed help! I asked the Lord to please bring something positive out of Todd's death. I also said I was available if He could use me to do it. I give up! I had come to the end of myself.

As soon as I had prayed this prayer, I had a feeling of liquid love flow through my entire body. It was a fantastic experience! I knew now I had God's strength to do whatever I needed to do.

Today, I came across a quote. When our strength runs out, God's power begins. I found this to be true in my life.