by Kay Heitsch
When I woke up, I didn't realize that this would be the greatest day of my life!
A few weeks had passed since Todd's death in the car accident. People had been very generous in bringing in food for our family. But the time came when I had to venture out to the grocery store.
My first experience of grocery shopping did not go well! I had Brandon, our two-year-old son, in the grocery cart. I'd gone down several aisles when I came to the cereal section. Without thinking, I reached up to grab Todd's favorite cereal. I broke out in a cold sweat, realizing I didn't need to buy this anymore. I jerked my hand back. I felt stunned for an instant. All of a sudden, I thought I was going to burst into tears. Since I didn't want anyone to see me crying, I grabbed Brandon and left the shopping cart right in the cereal aisle. With tears burning my eyes, I drove straight home.
The following week I was completely dressed and ready to go back to the grocery store when I felt panic grip me. I started to think, "What will my reaction be if I reached for one of Todd's favorites again?" I was feeling out of control.
Before Todd's death, life seemed pretty easy for me to control. But Todd's death had been very hard on me. Quite frankly, I really didn't want to go on living without him. Now the fear of being "out of control" made me feel paralyzed to even leave the house. Another thought came: "What are you going to do?" I knew I couldn't go on living with this paralyzing fear and grief. I knew drugs, alcohol, food, or anything else would not take this kind of pain and fear away.
My mind went back to the last few years. I'd been reading books about people who had to overcome lives. I needed that kind of life now—the kind of life where no matter what happened, I would be able to handle it. Of course, I wanted to live this life, on my own, without God's involvement. I'd been doing pretty well, staying positive until Todd's death. Now I was beginning to see that this wasn't possible anymore.
Deep down, I knew what these "overcoming" people had that I didn't. I recognized that they had a personal relationship with God through Jesus Christ. I wanted this overcoming life, too. I understood that I desperately needed it to go on for my family.
I had finally come to the end of myself. I couldn't muster up enough positive thinking on my own anymore. I could see that this kind of overcoming life wasn't possible without God's power. I fell to my knees right where I stood. I admitted to the Lord-- and to myself--that He was the power, and I needed it right then. Immediately, I felt this flood of peace and "liquid love" filling me. My panic and fear were gone.
When I woke up that morning, I didn't realize that this would be the greatest day of my life, but it sure was!
