16 - Todd's Room

By Kay Heitsch

As the days went by, I found myself going to Todd's room. I hadn't changed anything and left it as it was.

Todd had a king-size water bed. I would get Todd's Letterman jacket and hold it while lying on the bed. I could still smell Todd. As I held his coat close to my face, silent tears would roll down my cheeks.

Todd's classmates started to stop by the house. I'm sure it was difficult. We were all hurting. Some came alone and others came in groups. I felt comforted that they were thinking about Todd.

After talking for a short while, I invited them to Todd's room. I told Todd's friends to look around the room, and if there was anything they wanted, they could have it after showing me what they chose. I then left them alone with their thoughts and memories, and I went upstairs.

Some kids stayed quite a while, while others didn't. We all grieve differently.

What surprised me was the things of Todds' they wanted. Some took a picture that Todd had made, while others took shirts or sweatshirts.

But the most surprising was a spike out of Todd's running shoes. I cannot tell you what an impact choosing only a spike had on me.

What I learned from this was that material things seemed to occupy a significant amount of attention in life. Now, I could see what really mattered was our memories.

15 - Grocery Store

 By Kay Heitsch

As the days went by, the haze and numbness began to fade. This was good and also not so good. The haze and numbness helped keep me from facing reality head-on.

One early morning, my neighbor called. Sandi asked what I was doing. I told her someone was stopping over. Sandi asked if I was dressed, and I told her I was still in my robe. Sandi was surprised, and so was I. Sandi said she would hang up so I could get dressed.

Sandi didn't need to hang up because I didn't get dressed. I was still in my robe when this visitor arrived. I was finding I didn't care. This was so odd for me. Things that seemed so important didn't matter anymore.

Later that morning, I noticed we would need some groceries. I got Brandon and myself dressed and headed to the grocery store for the first time since Todd died.

I began walking up and down the aisles. I had several items in the cart when I reached for Mueslix cereal. It was as if the box were hot. I pulled my hand back. This was Todd's favorite cereal. I realized I no longer needed it.

I started to shake, and I thought I was going to cry. I grabbed Brandon, leaving the cart right in the aisle, and ran out the grocery store door.

14 - Seeing The Car

By Kay Heitsch

This may seem bizarre, but I wanted to see the car Todd died in. I'm not sure if Bill thought it was a good idea, but we discovered the location of the Honda and drove there.

I was shocked, to put it mildly, when I saw the car. I don't know what I was expecting, but this wasn't it.

The driver's side of the car was crushed. In fact, the driver's seat was pushed behind the passenger seat. I could now understand why this woman at the accident site could not see Todd.

Blood stains were everywhere except the passenger seat and that side of the car. It was untouched. You wouldn't have known it had even been in this horrific accident. Nick had been miraculously saved.

Nick did have a physical injury. When Todd hit the tree, the force pushed Todd's seat behind Nick. As Todd was flying back, his foot hit Nick in the neck area and broke Nick's collarbone.

I was beyond remorseful that my son was dead, but I was so relieved that Nick's life had been saved.

The homeowner at the accident site shared with us that there had been several accidents on this curve, but no one had died.

I'm thankful to report that, because of Todd's death, a sign was put up warning of the curve.

13 - Accident Site

By Kay Heitsch

I'm going to put a warning right at the top of this post. This is not going to be for the faint of heart.

As difficult as I knew it was going to be, I had to go out to the accident site where Todd was killed. I didn't know where County Road 81 was, but Bill did. Bill had been there to identify Todd's body.

We drove in silence. As we rounded a curve, I saw a house with some small pine trees in the front yard. Bill stopped the van. My God, was this the place Todd died? What? I was expecting to see a large tree that he hit, not these pine trees.

I got out of the van and started to walk around. All of a sudden, I noticed blood on the trunk of a small pine tree. I walked over and touched it. I reached into my purse for a piece of paper and started to rub Todd's blood on the paper. Bill stopped me. Somehow, I wanted that blood because it was all I had that was Todd. Oh my God, this was real! Reality was slapping me in the face!

A woman came out of the house. She was wondering why we had stopped. She explained that on the day of the accident, she heard Todd hit the tree, and she ran out of the house. When she saw Nick, she went back inside and got a blanket to put on him. Her following words have burned in my heart. She said, "Because your son's body was crushed behind the tree, I'm sorry I didn't see him, so I didn't bring him a blanket."

You know it didn't matter because Todd was dead! But it still broke my heart! I wanted Todd to have a blanket, too.

I was still numb, but reality was sinking in. I picked up a piece of pine wood and got inside the van. I still have this piece of wood to this day!

12 -Trying To Adjust

By Kay Heitsch

We tried to keep things as normal as possible for Shannon and Brandon.

As a family, we always went to Pizza Hut on Wednesday nights. I will never forget how hard it was to go there without Todd. I kept choking back tears, but I made it. Each week got easier.

There was a skating party at the local roller rink. I sat next to a doctor friend. He asked how I was doing and if I needed anything to help. I told him, "No thanks." I was still numb and trying to adjust to the reality that Todd was not coming back.

The truth is, I knew drugs or alcohol would not help. I understood this from past experiences. I had to find a way to help myself without mindless eating, drugs, or alcohol.

Brandon was almost 3 when Todd died. He did not understand why Todd wasn't home.

Aunt Carmeleta stayed with us for a few days. One night, she heard Brandon get up and asked him where he was going. Brandon said he was going down to sleep with Todd.

It broke Aunt Carmeleta's heart seeing Brandon's little face when she told him Todd wasn't in his room anymore.

Brandon struggled daily with missing Todd. He would pick up the phone in the family room and call out to me, saying, "Momma, Todd wants to talk to you." His baby words broke my heart. I would hold Brandon tight as I hung up the phone.

11 - Whose Dish Is This

By Kay Heitsch

There were a lot of flowers, so we asked that they be sent to nursing homes. I took the ceramic shoe that Aunt Carmeleta and Uncle Fred had given. I have placed that shoe on Todd's grave ever since.

The house didn't seem the same anymore. I was still numb, but I was going through the motions. I tried to be strong for Shannon and Brandon. I would take my bath and sob my eyes out. I'd dry off and come out trying to be normal.

I was surprised by people's kindness. I didn't have to cook because people were dropping food off.

I knew most people except one woman. I had no idea who she was when she dropped off her dish. I immediately looked at the bottom of her dish. There was no name. I would have to wait until she returned to find out. Sandy returned for her dish. I found out her son ran cross country with Todd.

Sandy's kindness meant a lot, and I wondered what made her bring a dish when I didn't even know her.

One day, I stood at the kitchen counter, mindlessly eating. Suddenly, I heard that quiet voice say, "Kay, you won't like the consequences of this behavior."

Somehow, I knew that was true.

10 - Unkind Words

By Kay Heitsch

I remember returning to Bill's dad's house after being at the cemetery. People were stopping by, and I watched the cousins playing. I was still in a haze.

I'm having trouble writing about the following incident. However, it seems that it needs to be handled.

Most people said kind and comforting words or just gave me a hug, and I am most grateful for them. However, one person's words have stuck with me for years.

A woman came up to me and said, "Kay, Todd's death is not the worst thing that can happen." She clarified her statement by saying, " When my husband dies, that is going to be worse." Huh? I was dumbfounded and said nothing.

Over the years, I've thought about this repeatedly and been angry at myself for not speaking up.

I've replayed her words and what my response should have been.

Things like, " How the hell would you know? You have never had a child. A child can not be replaced! A spouse can be, and you should know that. You're number 2."

I don't know why these words hurt my heart so much. Maybe I've been more angry at myself for not speaking up than her words.

Today, I'm going to forgive myself.

9 - Boarding School

Todd's Death (Part 9)

Going through each step of this grief process was helping me to begin to accept that Todd had died. However, I was still numb and in a state of disbelief.

When I returned home from the hospital, the day of the accident, the phone began to ring. I didn't know how so many people knew Todd had been killed in this accident. The same was true in Michigan when a call came in.

This is not something I talk about. But here it goes.

We stayed at Bill's dad's and stepmother's house when this call came in. I wasn't there.

When I returned, I received a message that a woman had called. I recognized the name. The last message I received from this person wasn't exactly good.

Here's the story.

I attended a "Religious" boarding high school in Michigan until my Senior year. I was not the type of student who fit in their environment, so I was expelled. I left there and graduated from another boarding school in Illinois.

Pam, my roommate from Michigan, called and asked if I would come and visit for a weekend. I figured she had gotten permission, so my mom drove me to Michigan and dropped me off at the school.

I hadn't been in Pam's room very long when I received a message. The same woman was letting me know that I would not be allowed to eat in the cafeteria and that no one could bring food out. They had changed their minds about my visit, and now I would have to leave.

It turned out okay because I had friends who had graduated and didn't live very far from the school. Vicki was one of them. She came over and picked me up, and we ended up having a great weekend together.

The day I heard this person call, I wondered how she knew I was at Bill's dad's house and why she called. I was not in the mood to hear from her. My child had died. I never returned her call.

Today, I wonder if she wanted to apologize for her unkind behavior years before. Now, I'm going to believe this was the reason for her call.

I accept the apology I never received, and I forgive her.

8 - Wendy

By Kay Heitsch

It was freezing cold, and the cemetery was covered with snow. I remember standing, staring at the casket. I was still in disbelief that what I was seeing was true.

Grief has a way of causing a person to react much differently than they usually would. Bill's dad had never given Bill a hug in his life. However, he walked over and gave Bill a hug. We were all hurting.

Bill's brother and wife were staying at a hotel in town. Their oldest son was around 9 years old, and he was having a hard time dealing with Todd's death. The morning of the funeral, there seemed to be a significant change in his attitude. His mom told me that Josh had told her that "Wendy" had told him that everything would be OK, and he didn't need to worry about Todd.

I was skeptical about this incident. Who was Wendy? And where did Wendy come from? No one seemed to know.

A few weeks later, I was going through Todd's desk drawers when I found a book he had written in the 6th grade. Todd called the book The Christmas Tree Caper. The book was about him and his partner, Wendy. Could this Wendy be Todd's guardian angel? Was this the Wendy who told Josh not to worry that Todd was OK?

Will I ever know if Wendy was Todd's angel? I believe some day I will.

6 - Drunk Priest

By Kay Heitsch

We had Todd's calling hours in Dover for Todd's friends. We felt it was necessary for these teenage friends. But no one knew I desperately needed to see Todd's body, too.

We had Todd's body moved to Michigan and had calling hours and a funeral where Todd's body would be buried.

Since we moved often, we didn't have a home base. Bill's dad and stepmother had lived in Michigan for years. Todd and I walked around the cemetery there, so it seemed the best choice. We decided to buy several plots.

These calling hours were much different than the ones in Dover. Most people were friends of Bill's dad, and I didn't know many.

Now I'm going to share an upsetting experience.

I was wondering what was up when a priest walked up to me as I stood in front of Todd's casket. I noticed immediately that he smelled like booze and was drunk.

Slurring his words, he started to go off because Todd's casket was open instead of being a half casket. He said something insane about this type of casket being only for the Pope.

As I said in a previous post, Todd's face had to be remade with molding clay. Toland-Herzig told us not to touch Todd's face.

This drunk, obnoxious priest suddenly said, "I need to bless him." I said, "Don't touch Todd's face!" He did not listen and left his handprint on my precious Todd's face.

I was so angry!

5 -First Calling Hours

 Grief Experiences Todd's Death (Part 5) By Kay Heitsch

Something strange started to happen to me at the funeral home. I found myself feeling like a comforter.

These teenagers cared, and many said that Todd was their friend. This made my heart happy. I invited them over to our home. Several expressed that Todd told them I was easy to talk to.

Andrew, a cross-country friend, asked if he could put some cross-country medals in the casket. Andrew explained that he knew he could win more medals, and Todd wouldn't be able to. This act of love touched my broken heart.

I was surprised many people came, as we hadn't lived in Dover that long. I didn't know who all these people were. We were not Christians, and we didn't even belong to a church.

One man stood in the back of the room, sobbing. I didn't know him, but later found out his son had died, and he was trying to show his respect. We became friends when his other son also died, and I was able to be there for him.

People wonder what you should say to a grieving person. Seriously, you don't need to say a word. I felt comfort and love from people who just slightly squeezed my hand. It's the being there that says it all.

These first calling hours were another step in helping me accept this tragedy.

However, I could not get the thought, "Where is Todd?" out of my mind.

4 - Seeing Todd's Body

Grief Experiences (Todd's Death) (Part 4) By Kay Heitsch

The day of the calling hours would be the first time I had seen Todd since he walked out the back door. I was still in a haze and trying to come to grips with what was happening.

We arrived early at the funeral home. It was a bitterly cold day, but much to my surprise, many teenagers lined up outside waiting to go inside.

As I remember, we all walked into the funeral home together. It was a surreal experience. I walked up to the casket and looked at Todd. He did not look like himself. The accident had disfigured his face. The funeral home people had done their best to reshape it, but that was not what got my attention.

I had been to many funerals and had seen many people in their caskets, including both of my parents, but I had never had the feeling and experience I had that day.

I reached into the casket and touched Todd's leg and hand. They were hard and cold. I stood staring at this body dressed in the clothes I had brought over, but somehow I knew Todd was not here. Todd's body was there, but Todd was gone.

Where was Todd?

3 - Disbelief Rage Quiet Thoughts

 Grief Experiences Todd's Death (Part 3)

As my thoughts raged in disbelief and refusal to accept, I also seemed to hear a quiet voice of reason.

I often thought, "Kay, you must believe and accept what has happened." As weird as it may seem, I remember silently arguing and shouting in my mind with this voice of reason. "NO, I will not believe or accept this!"

I gathered Todd's clothes, which I thought he would like to wear, and we took them to the funeral home. I remember walking around looking at caskets. There, that voice of reason was again. "If Todd is not dead, what are you doing here?" This thought would jar me back into reality.

The newspaper needed an obituary. Again, each of these was a stepping stone helping me accept Todd's death.

Believing and accepting Todd's death took some time.

2 - Picking Out Todd's Clothes

By Kay Heitsch

I was living in a haze and in a state of denial. I had a battle going on in my mind. I had never experienced anything like this before with the death of my mom or my dad. I was having a horrible time accepting that Todd had actually died. Grief will do this to you.

This could not be true, I kept telling myself. This kind of awful accident happens to other people, but not me!

My thoughts were racing. I found that I needed silence. Before, I had the radio or TV blasting, but now I wanted them off. The raging thoughts were all I could handle mentally.

The funeral home called and wanted clothes for Todd. I found myself in Todd's closet, looking at his clothes. Oh my gosh, this must be a nightmare! Why was I picking out clothes for Todd to be buried in? Was this really true? Was Todd actually dead? Silently, I was screaming, This is NOT true! I refuse to believe this!

But it was true. My Todd was dead.

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