97 ~ Faith Crisis

 By Kay Heitsch

This post may not be for everyone to read. It's going to be raw, and you may not understand, but I need to write this out. It could help someone other than me.

My Faith Crisis

I don't know precisely what triggered the day I had my faith crisis, but I believe many things led up to it.

First of all, I was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted after dealing with the trial.

Because of my carpal tunnel, which I was still dealing with, I could not hold a book and read. Turning pages made my fingers burn. So, I didn't read my Bible or any uplifting books.

I attend church and Sunday School. However, I told the minister I was "starving" there. In SS class, our time was spent talking about what snack to bring and who would bring it most of the time. I needed a lot more, since I could not feed myself spiritually.

Plus, working 10 -12 hours daily, 7 days a week, in a memory care center is hard mentally and emotionally.

I was also going through menopause.

Bill had changed jobs a few times, and this is stressful, too.

I truly believed that God had a plan for my life. I felt that when I prayed, He had directed me to where I should go.

Okay, since this was God's big plan, why was I put in these positions, way out of my comfort zone? Even with the last two foster kids. Wow, what a trip they were! I started to think back. I did a better job choosing my own jobs.

Thoughts came flooding in. I had held several jobs before embarking on this challenging journey with God, which I had managed independently.

I remembered the jobs I had worked at. I was a chairside assistant to an orthodontist, a Sterilization Processing Technician in a hospital, and a Data Processing Operator. I work in a Boutique and was in charge of putting together cute clothes, etc. I also volunteered at the kids' schools.

These jobs were nothing like anything I was doing when it was "God's Plan." Now, going through this trial and everything else that was going on,

I flipped out and had a meltdown. I was angry and crying and said, "I'm done! I'll be handling life on my own! Get out! I don't need all this."

Almost immediately, a box was delivered that I did not order. I said, "What the hell is this? I didn't order anything!" I looked, and it was from the Peale Center. I kicked the box and almost broke my toe. I said, "Get this damn box out of my sight!"

Well, I was back to my OLD self! I was cursing like a sailor and irritated at the world. Yeah, I was handling life on my own! Wasn't this fun?

I immediately stopped going to church! I had enjoyed listening to K-Love on the radio. Now I had no interest in that either. I used to enjoy watching "Enjoying Everyday Life" with Joyce Meyer, but I hadn't watched it in a long time because I didn't have the time, and now I couldn't care less.

I had absolutely no interest in anything spiritual. Just like before, I was back to my OLD self. God had stepped back, and He was letting me do life my way.

After the trial, I shared my anger with a few friends. They tried to encourage me, but at first, I wasn't having it.

I don't know how long living life my way lasted. It seemed like a long time. However, I started to miss talking to God and doing life His way.

One Sunday, I decided to go to church. Before, I liked to sit towards the front, so I went to my usual spot. I sat there for a brief period and abruptly got up and left. The service was ongoing, but I wanted to get out of there.

I turned on K-Love as I drove the short distance to work. I started taking small steps in the right direction.

Then, my friends told me Joyce was coming to the Palace. They wanted me to go along with them. I felt, what the heck, I'll go. It was okay. At least I didn't get up and leave.

I know it was these few friends who prayed and encouraged me that I didn't give up and kept pressing through. Twenty years later, these are still my close friends.

Eventually, I got on Facebook. I have always loved quotes. I'd find a quote online and pair it with a relevant Bible verse. I'd see things that were helping me. I started posting them, hoping and praying that others could also relate to them and be encouraged.

Going through this faith crisis, I found it essential to be mindful of what I allow into my mind. I have learned a great deal regarding my thoughts and spiritual nourishment.

It was a long journey back. I didn't know if I would ever live long enough to tell this tragedy-to-triumph story, but I'm thankful I didn't give up.

Remember how I led you on this long journey. Deuteronomy 8:2

96 ~ In The Middle Again

By Kay Heitsch

The family member saying everyone would hate me after this trial was wrong!

Now I found myself in the middle again when the police arrived at the house. The police officer informed me that both parties told him they trusted me, so he needed me to come over to the house and watch while Mom retrieved her personal belongings.

Are you kidding me! I did not want to do it, but the police insisted.

When I walked over to the house, Mom was already there with her dad and mom. I sat down on a chair while Mom got whatever she needed.

No one said anything until it was over, then they wanted a list of the things that were taken. I did the best I could remember.

A few weeks later, Mom called and said she had some friends who needed a nanny, and she had suggested me. She also wanted to know if Brandon would be able to drive over and pick the little girl up from daycare and take her home. On both of these requests, I declined.

Dad continued calling, and I finally told him to stop. I was exhausted by this whole experience!

I was busy working, but I did see all of them on occasion. They would always give me a hug, as if nothing had ever happened. I liked that!

Years went by, and I was out shoveling with Little RED. Dad walked over with a gift bag from Israel. He told me he had been working there.

He explained that he had taken the tour of the stops of Jesus because of me. He said his co-workers couldn't believe he wanted to do it since he wasn't a Christian. In the gift bag was a nativity scene he had purchased in Israel.

I was also told that the little girl was going to a Catholic school instead of a public one.

God works in mysterious ways.

Remember how I led you on this long journey. Deuteronomy 8:2

95 ~ Custody Trial

By Kay Heitsch

After the feticide trial, I wanted this to be over, but it wasn't. It was far from over.

Now there was going to be a custody hearing. I was asked to testify, but I declined! I was drained!

Dad came over, trying to get me to reconsider. Then he made a comment saying that I didn't understand what it was like not to see his child. I exploded! Poor guy didn't know what hit him. I let him know that his child was still alive! My child was dead! He wished he had never gone down that road!

Since I would not go willingly to the courthouse, I was sent a subpoena. Now I didn't have a choice.

I can tell you that I was very thankful to have been paid by check and that all the taxes were taken out. Everything was above board. I also kept track of all the times the baby was at our home. All the hours day and night. Each of the parties had requested this list, and I had provided it to them.

This time, I didn't go to the courthouse alone. A friend accompanied me and sat in the back of the courtroom. I'm sure she was praying because I needed it.

When I got on the stand, you would have thought I was on trial. It was not a pleasant experience. I was questioned about the times the child stayed at our home. I hadn't brought the calendar with me, but I provided a rough estimate of the times. One of the attorneys said, "You don't have a very good memory, do you!" I said something like, If you like, I'll go home and bring you the calendar, and you can check it out yourself.

I had given both parties a copy of the years, months, days, and hours, so I'm sure this attorney was aware of exactly how many hours this child stayed at our home. He was a jerk, and I was at my wits' end with all of this!

It was a good thing my friend was praying. She said I did fine, but I wasn't so sure.

After I testified, my friend drove home, and I went back to the Memory Care Center.

Remember how I led you on this long journey. Deuteronomy 8:2

94 ~ The Trial

 94 ~Triumph Through Tragedy By Kay Heitsch

The Trial

A lot had happened after February 6th, the last time I saw Mom or the little girl.

I was now working at the Memory Care Center. Bill had changed jobs a few times. With each job change, I saw it as this new job being "The Job"; I won't lie, this was not easy to go through. Now Bill had decided to return to retailing. He was working about an hour away.

It was Christmas time when the trial started. Christmas time is a difficult time for me for several reasons. Todd not being with me for one. I go through the motions, I do my best, but it's not my favorite time of the year.

Now that the trial had begun, every morning, I would drive downtown alone to the courthouse. I was instructed to sit on a wooden bench outside the room where the trial was taking place.

I sat there for hours. I saw people walking in and out, but I never did see Mom or Dad. The trial went on for several days. After sitting all morning, they adjourned, and I drove back to the Memory Care Center.

Seriously, I felt physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. To make matters worse, I was being told by a family member that everyone would hate me when this was over.

Before this trial began, I instructed both parties not to disclose to me anything they didn't want me to repeat on the stand. I would not be lying for either one of them. However, they both kept talking.

Finally, I was called to testify. I have no idea what all I said, but I did answer every question I was asked to the best of my ability. It was a nerve-wracking experience. I drove back to the Memory Care Center alone again.

I did not go back to the courthouse for the verdict after I gave my testimony.

Later that day, I learned that Dad was found not guilty of feticide. I was told that he fainted. Dad did have to go to anger management, which I believed was because I said he told me he had pushed her. You know, I told both of them not to tell me anything; they didn't want to be repeated on the stand. But they wouldn't stop talking.

I didn't know what had been testified to until after the verdict was announced and the newspaper reported. Lies were being told, and handwriting experts were called in to investigate the matter. A Doctor from another country was asked to testify but refused to come, even though all expenses would be paid. When the jury was questioned, they stated that they didn't believe the plaintiff, but they did believe the neighbor.

I had a lot of mixed feelings after this trial was over. I was exhausted and angry that I had been put in this position.

I attended the Christmas Eve service at church alone. I sat contemplating all I had been through all year.

I'd like to say that this situation was all over. But it wasn't!

Remember how I led you on this long journey. Deuteronomy 8:2

93 ~The Letter

By Kay Heitsch

This is a letter I wrote to "Mom" and "Dad" before the trial started.

Dear XXX, XXX

The past few months have been very hard for all of us. I can not even imagine how difficult it has been for each of you.

I've heard both of your sad stories, and they break my heart. I want you to know that I have NOT taken a side. It might be better said that I am on both of your sides. I believe that I am not called to judge, but to love you unconditionally.

In the past, you have asked me to write different things for each of you. As you have noticed lately, I have been sending you each whatever I write. I will continue to do this, so there will be no doubt that I am not favoring one of you over the other. If you receive something that you did not ask for, you will know that the other person did.

I have told each of you the things I am going to say again. Do not let this anger and unforgiveness eat away at you. It is POISON and will ruin your life. Forgiving does not mean that you condone the actions

.

Also, for the sake of darling little xxx be respectful

to each other in front of her. She loves you both!! You know that I believe xxx deserves a close relationship with each of you.

I know that it is possible that the love you have for xxx overrides

whatever feelings you have for each other. Put the love you have for xxx first when dealing with each other.

Who would have believed that the day I walked across the street to see a precious little baby would bring us to this today?

I have grown to love all three of you very much. It's not easy being in the middle, and I hope you never find yourself in this spot.

However, I know that when I look back on this point in my life's journey, I will see that it has made me a stronger person. Also, I know that I will have grown in my personal relationship with God and will have learned to allow GOD to love through me.

Lovingly, Kay

92 ~ Making Friends & Shopping

By Kay Heitsch

I was blessed to work in this Memory Care Center, where I had the opportunity to meet many wonderful people.

I was in a unique position since I was not employed by the facility. Many of the residents' family members came in to visit. I was able to become friends with many of them.

"L"'s family came over to visit often. "L"'s daughter came almost every day. She would bring "L" cookies and whatever she thought she needed. "L" 's son would usually come over on Sunday.

The staff in a memory care facility changes often. I read that the "average turnover rate is 85% to 100% annually." This is not an easy job. However, I met many wonderful and caring staff members and became friends with several of them as well.

I could tell that "L" enjoyed looking her best. She had nice clothes and shoes. Her family brought up a beautiful variety with a large mirror.

Every day, I would wheel "L" up to the vanity, and she would apply her cream and lipstick. I'd put some blush on her cheeks and curl her hair with the curling iron. When needed, I even trimmed her hair and polished her nails. In my opinion, it's essential to try to look your best.

Some residents in memory care facilities are confused about their location. Some believe they are at the mall, and other people's rooms are stores.

At times, I would see someone with an outfit of "L"s over their arm. When questioned, they would say they got it at the mall. I'd wait until they eventually laid it down, and I would put it back in "L"'s closet.

One woman attempted to exit through the side door, by "L" room, triggering the alarm. I peeked out the door and could see she had been "shopping" in someone's room. When I walked up to her, she said, "I thought everything was paid for in here, I guess not."

I kept "L's" clothes on colored hangers to match her outfits. That way, when something was missing, I knew which outfit it was.

I'm sure people who have a loved one in a memory care or nursing home facility wonder why their loved one's clothes come up missing. This may be one reason why.

Working at the memory care center was an interesting experience. I met many people, and several have become lifelong friends.

91 ~ I've Finally Figured You Out

By Kay Heitsch

It was nice being able to walk around this beautiful memory care facility.

The memory care had what was called a town square. In the town square, there was a beauty shop, a nurse's office, a snack shop, and other offices. Everything was pleasantly decorated.

They also had activities in the town square where people came in to sing and provide other forms of entertainment for the residents. I'd wheel "L" down, and usually a snack was provided after the entertainment. However, "L" was more interested in the snack than the entertainment.

Rehab continued, and I helped "L" walk with her walker. She didn't really like it, but it was necessary if she was going to be able to continue to walk.

"L's" daughter brought up several old-time classic movie videos. When I was tired of walking, we would go back to her room. I'd put an old movie in her video recorder. I had never seen any of these, so I enjoyed watching them too.

When we first came to the memory care facility, they had a black cleaning lady. When she was on her break, she liked to go into "L's" room and chat with me while "L" read the closed caption out loud at the bottom of the screen, watching the movie.

One day, this cleaning lady came in and announced, "I have finally figured you out!" I was wondering what she had figured out about me. Then she told me. "I believe you are really a black woman trapped in a white woman's body!"

Now, this was a first! I took her comment as a compliment. I could tell this lady felt comfortable around me, and she didn't know why. I enjoyed her company, too.

"L" never watched the movies too long. I'd pause them, and when I needed a break from walking, we would come back, and she would pick up from where she left off.

I never knew what to expect each day at the memory care center. There were very few boring days. I kept wondering when "L's" family and the memory care center felt that "L" had adjusted.

The trial had not started yet.

Remember how I led you on this long journey. Deuteronomy 8:2

80 ~ Until She Gets Adjusted

By Kay Heitsch

I wasn't sure how long "Until she gets adjusted" would last. I was willing to help out as long as I was needed.

I went over every day. I'd usually arrive at the memory center at 9:00 in the morning and stay until 8:00 or 9:00 at night.

I gave "L" her showers and did her laundry. I really didn't have to, but it was easier on everyone, and I liked to stay busy.

It's interesting working in a facility where you are a guest. I felt blessed that almost everyone was nice and friendly.

"L" did not like to stay still. She wanted to be on the go. When I came in, I'd ask her where she wanted to go. She'd say, and I'd help her in her wheelchair, and we would walk all around the building.

My average daily pedometer steps were around 16,000.

"L" had a habit of repeating the exact words over and over. It was very challenging listening to this at times.

I began to pray about how I could stop "L" from constantly repeating these phrases.

One day, a thought came to me. "L" seemed to like music. So I decided to sing to see what would happen.

Lo and behold, "L" started to join in singing. However, not with the words I was singing, but with her repeated phrases. This was a step in the right direction.

It wasn't long before several other residents joined us in walking around the facility and singing. After a while, "L" started to sing the words we were all singing. Praise the Lord!

We sang hymns for the most part. They loved Amazing Grace and Jesus Loves Me. These were the two favorites.

I began searching for old-fashioned cassette tapes of songs that these residents would remember. I tied a cassette player to the back of the wheelchair. Now we had music to accompany our singing.

I didn't talk to anyone about what I was dealing with regarding the trial. I was wondering if they might be questioned by the detectives about me.

I was adjusting to the memory care center and the people. My fear was gone for the most part. I won't lie. There were some challenging moments at times.

I wasn't sure how long I would be here. Only God knew.

Remember how I led you on this long journey. Deuteronomy 8:2

89 ~ Way Out Of My Comfort Zone

Kay Heitsch

After "L" finished rehab, a decision had to be made about where she would go next. "L" had been living with her daughter, but now, after this broken hip situation, that wasn't an option.

After her stay in rehab, I figured my time with "L" would be over.

I had become friends with the family. Actually, her daughter and son would come quite often to visit, so we had gotten well acquainted.

I was surprised when I was asked if I would go with "L" to a memory care facility, just until she adjusted. Surprised may not be the correct word. Going to a memory care facility was way out of my comfort zone.

The following story may explain why.

When I was in the second or third grade, I was walking to school. A woman who had severe mental issues grabbed me. Somehow, she thought I was her daughter. I can still hear her words, "You're coming home right now!" I was terrified! I kept telling her who I was, and finally she let go of me. From that day on, as a child, I checked under my bed and in the closet every night.

Asking me to go with "L" into a memory care facility was not something I would choose for myself to do. But since I told God I would be "Available," I agreed to do it.

This facility was beautiful. "L's" room was pleasant. Her family had decorated it with some of "L's" furniture, pictures, and other personal items.

"L" and I had only been in her room alone for a very short while when there was a loud BANGING on her door. I opened the door to see an angry resident screaming that we were in her room. Oh my gosh, I began to pray.

I have no idea what I said, but I managed to stay calm, which was a miracle in itself, and I spoke quietly to this lady. Whatever I said seemed to satisfy her, and she left.

"L" didn't seem to be too upset by all the commotion. But I stayed until she went to bed, and I went home.

When I look back on this, I can't help but wonder if God was putting me in this situation to help me get over my fear. I couldn't believe how calm I was staying.

The preparation for the trial continued. I wondered how long this was going to keep going on.

Remember how I led you on this long journey. Deuteronomy 8:2